Unapologetically Me!

OMG!!! This is a taboo! My mistake, my dirty secret should be your lesson.

…yes, 3 days and you will receive a call…

That is the only thing I can remember as I walked out of the doctor’s office. I was a walking corpse. Oh my God, what to do? I am rethinking every decision I have made in my life right now. How could I possibly be this careless? Everything around me seems dazed. I am in such a state of disgust. What does the rest of the world think of me? I felt judged left right and center. How am I even supposed to embrace my sexuality? I was actually dirty!

Fast forward 3 days later…

It could be either a urine sample, blood test or a swab test…yes insert that thing inside your lady area to get those vaginal fluids. Everything in me hurt. Shame was embedded all over me. I get in the whatever and I see neither needles nor the small cup for pee so I assume the only possible way to get this done is lying on the bed and open my legs wide.

These doctors have seen worse, have treated worse even. I am dying of shame trying to think what would be going through this doctors head. Critically trying to analyze the look on his face.

Why was sex invented even? Why am I active? Why am I here? Can the earth open up and swallow me? Oh God if anyone knows I will be stigmatized, right? I will be labelled the STD girl…oh nooo!

I was in a monogamous relationship with my then boyfriend. I had put on my faithful cap and we agreed on not using condoms. Informed decision, very sober and sane until just now! Clearly I was not the only one, which is not shocking really if I think about it now.

Around 6 months later

Yes, I had chlamydia. A sexually transmitted disease. I got it from my previous relationship. I saw a doctor, got some antibiotics. I religiously finished my drugs and now I have a clean bill of health. If I learnt I am suffering from an STI or STD I would not be as shocked as I was shocked the first time. Now I know better. It is very much so possible to suffer from either if you are sexually active. Worst thing is, for chlamydia specifically, the symptoms are hardly recognizable.

Abstinence and protection are amazing ways of curbing the stigma that comes with these infections and diseases but you know what else, making a conversation out of them and killing this stigmatization. Yes, it is because of sexual intercourse, but you know what, you are as a result of intercourse so there is nothing wrong with embracing your sexuality.

I no longer let the STD define me, rather I own it cause it is my story and maybe, just maybe it might help someone. They say ignorance is bliss but then again it is damn expensive. In my country even, you cannot use it as a defense in a court of law. What you do not know does not hurt but once you realize, it will hurt even more.

I carry a condom with me everywhere. I do not care what people think when they see one or more in my purse. They can talk for all I care! I carry for a friend too…you know…




17 thoughts on “Unapologetically Me!

  1. Stds should never let u go down or make u feel bad abt ursellf….. Bt they should make u see a reality in life…. If u can get stds now u are open there is hiv/aids….
    I support that each one take the responsibility of carrying a condom .. Its not being a bad person it is making an informed descion

    Liked by 1 person

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