Family · Friends

Such is life! They say…

He was tall, dark and handsome…

So yet again I let you delve into my life. Mum, my mum introduced me to his mum. His mum and my mum happened to be so much alike after I got to know her. Brown skin, strict disciplinarians, very beautiful hair, opinionated, spiritual etc We cultivated our friendship and became really good friends. Then one day she gave me his number. I was joining campus. The same campus he was in and what she told me was, there is his number, call him, talk to him am sure he will take good care of you. So I did! I called him, very scared of-course. In my mind I pictured he’d think-now who is this girl and why exactly would she want to be my  friend? She just finished her O levels so there is nothing in common between us…-first forward, we met. We did not talk much though but we decided to meet again. So I joined the same campus as he and we started hanging out more…he’d wait till my classes were over, walk me to the bus station, kiss and hug me goodbye.We grew really fond ofeach other!

See this, I knew his mum first and what I didn’t know was, he knew my mum too, way before I even made that call, super cool? huh…So with a mother like mine who wants to know every little business that is going on in my life, if I mentioned I was with Tolla she’d be like ‘aah its okay’! Mention another boy? wouldn’t get the end of it.

We became really close at a point in life I wouldn’t say I was stable and fit. Not that I was cray cray or something but nothing seemed to be working back then. Nothing at all. Frustrations were the order of the day. Heart ache day in day out! ooh and not boy problems. So he became my beck and call, my shoulder to lean on! So when I was feeling really bad, he was my go to guy! Through this, again we became closer. Was he my boyfriend? Am sure y’all are wondering, no he wasn’t. He was way more than a boyfriend. He was just it! What we had was greater than the both of us!!! The very first time he said ‘I love you’ I was like, ‘yoo wait a min, I have been telling you all my problems and everything am going through then you tell me you love me? How now? It doesn’t even make sense…what is there to love? go love someone with lesser issues in life!’ Oooh but here is the good thing, never at one time did he make it any awkward or weird for us, guess what though, he never stopped. Never stopped saying I love you! Boys can be something, huh? So little by little I told him I loved him too, not as often though…

Fast forward to 2014, on a certain Monday which I remember like yesterday, we decided to meet at view park towers in Nairobi. So I had this cool Blackberry phone of which I showed him since he did not have a cooler phone. I’d laugh at his kabambe…very funny then we’d talk aimlessly and die of laughter then resurrect after the joke..Lets talk about our love for eggs! and am very serious. If you know me then you know I really love eggs…I’d eat them daily if it not for my mum…so I did think I loved eggs but this guy heeeeee I think his love for eggs was double mine. Generally we were food lovers!

I had these home made mahamris which I was hoping I’d surprise him with but he didn’t eat them cause they had yeast and he couldn’t have anything with yeast since he had tummy issues. Anyway it was time for me to go home and so as usual he’d walk me to the stage… So on our way I made him promise me one thing which he did. Before this point, my primary school English teacher had just passed on and left 2 beautiful girls behind…how sad huh? So I made him promise me he wouldn’t die before me. I told him I’d pray to my own God that I die before him cause if he died before me I don’t know how I’d deal with the situation. I went ahead and told him, since I’ll die before you, don’t post on my facebook page, I’ll be dead so I will not read the post, what you will do is, go home see my mum, encourage her and be there for her and my family and don’t stop being her friend just because am there no more! Selfish of me you think? Well sometimes you need be. He said yes yes yes. He’d do that. Happily we parted ways.

One week down the line, I see this post on facebook and his picture, it can’t be him! But guess what, he wasn’t there no more! Hahaha I laughed and cried at the same time. Its a joke! How can he not be there? He promised! Must be a mistake…I called him, his phone was off. I called a mutual friend and she said she had seen him in school earlier on…so I believed it was a mistake and maybe his phone was out of charge. Then I remembered his mum, I called her, she did not pick, its Tolla’s sister who did and there she said, we lost Tolla  this morning!

Phone down, emotional down fall!

How and why would God be this mean? Surely? God mustn’t like me at all if He’d let something like this happen! He had promised…and now he has just decided to leave me? I blame him too. It was both their faults! They weren’t loyal. So now who was supposed to be my friend? Now who would I go to and cry to? Who would listen to my wails? Who now wouldn’t be quick to judge me? UUUUURGH! Who??? And how was I supposed to cope? So now this God who sees everything and was seeing what I was going through just decided to take this one human being who was just it? Not cool! And now this one human being just decides to go and leave me?? Not cool either! I was bitter and angry at both of them. …for the greater good? I don’t even know what that means, I don’t know what would be greater! I for some reason thought he’d come into my dreams or just appear one day or I’d meet a medium and just crazy stuff…..I was desperate! I needed to understand! I needed answers!!! I wished I was the one who died and not him!

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Fast forward, its been 2 years since we laid him to rest and it still hurts as much! A day like this 2 years ago, all I wanted is to be with Tolla wherever it is dead people go! I have never understood, I don’t think I’ll ever understand and I have never gotten answers! What I had him promise, is what I did. Never posted on his facebook page and I went to see his folks. We became and still are friends with his family.

Will I ever get through this? I don’t know…

So this post is dedicated to you Johnte! Tolla was his nickname. I wish you knew how much it hurts without you. You can see me from wherever it is you are huh? I need to know why you left, okay? I need closure. I miss you that is with no doubt and your memory lives on! I still have what you gave me, I still hold on to it! Wish you’d see how things have turned out now and who I have become…

Wish you never left me…

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26 thoughts on “Such is life! They say…

  1. I never met Tolla, I never knew him or even heard about him before this. But you Ella, have just introduced me to him and made me feel like I met him. He touched your life. I pray that you touch other people’s lives just like He did to you. He is dancing with the angles now!

    Great narration!
    Find peace!
    Live free!
    RIP Tolla

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the best pieces, inspirational and motivating at the same time. Proud of you, took guts to open up and share this with the rest of us, I bet wherever Johnte (Tolla )is, he’s smiling seeing the woman you have become and pretty sure wishing angeindulge in your sweet mahamri’s too Chef Waigi, who wouldn’t.

    R.I.P Tolla.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Ella. Such a great piece. Almost brought me to tears. But you’re strong, you’ve held up so well, and oh my you’re gorgeous. There’s always for everything, and despite everything that happened, I’m glad you found reason to be happy and always remember him.

    My condolences. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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